What a difficult day...

Wow, so yesterday was a very hard day to say the least.

Nothing new happened from what I said yesterday but I just had a really hard time controlling my heart and having faith. I thought I was fine because I was functioning but anything the girls did that annoyed me in the slightest would make me snap. I was very short tempered with them and was not calm and soft spoken. Instead I became a mom I never want my girls to have. Almost every word I spoke to them was rude and sharp. And nothing they did could make it better. My poor S girl got the brunt of it since she is older. Everytime she repeated herself (which 2 year olds do often) would frustrate me so bad I would yell "Yes its a kitty cat! Stop saying it!!" I obviously was not responding well.

Then throw in my emotions that would take over me like a tidal wave. All of a sudden I would be sobbing as if my husband had died. And if either of them did something when that was going on...ugh I hope I never have to watch that replay. And the worst thing is as I was yelling or giving an awful face I knew I was hurting them and I didn't want to be but I just could not stop myself. (Or I could but I was choosing not to :(  )

I eventually went to my room, laid on the bed and sobbed to God begging for help. I was angry at the situation but it went further than that. It is something the Lord has been working on in me for months or maybe even years now. I need to depend on the Lord for everything. It is a lot easier to seem like you depend on God when you are surrounded by other believers. Take that away.. then you can still kind of fake it when you have a very strong mature husband...so take that away. And you are left all alone all day long with two kiddos under 3. And slowly it eats at you...or me in this case.

I was desperate but I have been so distant from the Lord for so long I couldn't even remember what to do. I mean I knew what to do but I didn't know how to do it. Like how do I surrender. Its not like I can actually lay down my physical weapons and hold up a white flag.

So after I cried all my tears and felt empty but somewhat peaceful I voxed my husband to let him know what was going on. Later that evening we got to talk about it and wow I am so thankful that the Lord has been so gracious to be me to bless me with this man. So after a really great healing conversation where he called me out and read scripture and encouraged me. I rally felt like things were starting to make sense and that this really is going to turn out okay.

I am really embarrassed by my behavior yesterday. And since no one was there besides my girls I could just act like it never happened and leave it at that. Its not like anyone reading this would know. To most of my friends I am this great example of what a Godly mother and wife should. And this terrifies me! I know I am doing well if you compare me to non-christian moms and even a lot of christian ones. But compared to Jesus I am lightyears away from good.

A couple of weeks ago, during another session of being tested and repenting of my sin the Lord brought me to a blog of a lady I look up to. And she happened to have posted about a realy hard time in her life when she was just downright nasty and not in a good spot in her life or walk with Jesus. And it amazed me that someone who I thought had it all together and was just the perfect picture of the mom and wife and lover of Christ that I aspire to be, could be so awful to her children and husband and so disobedient to God. She told her story of the bad and of her repentance and the fruit she bore from the whole thing. It made me weep because while I wasn't quite as down as she was at the time it was all about her selfishness and that is exactly what I was doing. It cut deep but was so healing at the same time to read her story. And God totally used it to bring me to repentance.

I say all of that because I don't want others who look up to me to think that I have it all together. That I am doing so well and that I am the perfect picture of a mother and wife and lover of Christ. Because haha I so a not. So instead of leaving my story where I left off from yesterday I want to share with whoever is reading this...even if it is just my mom ;)... that I am not perfect. I am so far from it!!!
And I hope and pray that when you ready this you realize that the hard times you are having and the bad attitude you are working to change is the same thing I am going through right now. Maybe the details are different, but I too and a work in progress.

So mama, whoever you are, Jesus loves you. He died for you even when you were still a sinner and were His enemy. He would have died for even if it had been only you. Your sin is now as far as the East is from the West. If you can't find much else to be thankful for, think on this. (I am speaking to myself and crying as I am typing this) There is nothing more good than God. Here is the scripture my husband shared with me last night. I know it takes more than a second to read but please take the time to meditate on it. Even open up your word and read more :)

Philippians 4:4-14

⁴ Rejoice in the Lord alway: and again I say, Rejoice.

⁵ Let your moderation be known unto all men. The Lord is at hand.

⁶ Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God.

⁷ And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

⁸ Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.

⁹ Those things, which ye have both learned, and received, and heard, and seen in me, do: and the God of peace shall be with you.

¹⁰ But I rejoiced in the Lord greatly, that now at the last your care of me hath flourished again; wherein ye were also careful, but ye lacked opportunity.

¹¹ Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content.

¹² I know both how to be abased, and I know how to abound: every where and in all things I am instructed both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need.

¹³ I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.

¹⁴ Notwithstanding ye have well done, that ye did communicate with my affliction.

Baby Training

This can be a pretty controversial topic but I am now a firm believer in training our children from infancy. We started Ecing our daughter from birth. Whenever I noticed her peeing or pooping I would say "psst" to get her to associate the word with the action. At 5 days old we started placing her on her potty and saying "psst" to tell her to go potty and she went for the very first time at our command. At the time it could have just been timing or coincidence but as time went on she learned the association of "psst" and time to go potty. Now it is very evident that it isn't just about timing and it definitely isn't coincidence but rather we have trained her to go potty at our command. Obviously if you have ever read my blog before we don't catch everything yet but she is still trained according to many. (There is a debate among some circles about what potty trained actually means, ex. one is trained when they have zero accidents anymore or when one has an understanding of when and where to potty and occasionally may have accidents. I tend to lean more toward the allowance for accidents since most pregnant women have had an accident before and no one would say they are no longer potty trained) Now some people still find my family very odd for "potty training" my daughter so early. And there sure are a lot of critics of EC out there, but let me assure you my daughter is trained to a pretty far extent.

Now if you understand that she is potty trained-ish, then you should understand that any baby can be trained for other things as well. One of my favorite parenting websites/ministry is No greater Joy. Please visit their website or even better read their books To Train up a child and No Greater Joy Volumes 1,2,&3 for more information on what I am talking about in a broader sense. But for now, this is what has been going on with training my daughter.

I really dislike getting my hair pulled as I am sure most would agree. And little baby hands are notorious for hair pulling or getting at your jewelry or eyeglasses. And I just really don't want to have to always wear my hair up, never wear jewelry, or be forced to start wearing contacts again. So I wanted to train my daughter to not touch those things on me or anyone else. I started maybe around 2 months or so. She was able to hold her head up and her arms were starting to squirm around much more and would grab anything they came in contact with including hair. Developmentally she didn't know what she was grabbing and I don't think was able to distinguish between hair or anything else she would grab so I didn't want to just say "no" to her grabbing and prevent her from grabbing at everything. So at first we began teaching her to let go. When she would grab hair or any other undesirable thing we would say "let go" two times while tapping her hand  and then I would flick her hands until she let go. When she did I would smile and say "good girl!!!" which is also what I usually say when she potties in the toilet.

There weren't too many opportunities at first to train her but as she has gotten older more and more have arisen. Especially this last month. Her motor skills have improved drastically. At first she started reaching in the general direction for something she wanted to touch hoping to be able to grab it. Now she is getting pretty skilled at grabbing exactly what she wants. This whole time I have been training her to let go and this last couple of weeks she has shown HUGE improvement. She understands me now. It usually takes me 2 times saying "let go" and tapping her hand for her to let go. Occasionally I have to still flick her hand but she is definitely understanding what I am telling her. It is so neat to watch her little mind growing!

So now that she is able to grab at what she wants, we are starting to train her to not touch specific things. And now we are using the word "no". I usually give a flick the first time she touches anything because I want to quickly associate the word no with that object and then after she understands "no" I will just tell her once and if she continues to touch or touches again I will flick her hand until she stops touching. Since she already understands to let go when getting flicked it doesn't take her long to let go of something but if she still wants it she will keep grabbing at it a few more times. But has eventually always stopped. Its amazing! Once we can get her to understand the meaning of "no" our life will become much easier with an older baby! So stay tuned to hear more results!!!


 In regards to getting back on track with EC...

So big! She is starting to sit on her potty on her own!

Yesterday went GREAT! I caught every pee overnight which is the very first time!!! Very exciting!!! Part of it was me waking up obviously but another was she was holding longer waiting for me to wake up because I knew I was getting up right away. And then during the day we only had 2 very small misses. One was in the morning after she woke up. She usually has a couple of small pees after she wakes up and it can be hard to catch them all when they are close together. I missed while I was taking a shower. The other one was when I was out shopping. She fell asleep in my wrap and then we went to my mom's house where I didn't pee her right away and since it had been a while she just couldn't hold it. But only 2 misses all day and night is an awesome record!!!!

Last night wasn't too great... we only missed 2 but I like not missing any : ) And this morning has been all catches except for one when she was playing on her belly.

New, New, New!!!

Sorry I have been absent for a while. So much has been going on it has been way to hard to find a chunk of time to write about it.

First of all husband has a new job! Well technically he has had it for about 6 weeks or so but he is finally able to start working. I won't bore you with all the details (although I actually find them quite interesting but I don't think everyone will!) so basically he is a construction inspector. It was a miracle how he got the job and it was absolute perfect timing! Usually it takes 1-2 years to get this job and he got it almost immediately! However the work did not so we have been barely squeezing by with his part time job at Starbucks...yuk! And just when our accounts were running dry he finished the certifications he needed and was called out to Southern California for at least 2 weeks! Which is awesome and very sad at the same time because unfortunately we cannot afford for me to go out there with him just yet. So after 2 weeks we will see what happens. We are very excited for this job because it will allow us to hopefully by property and or land way sooner than we would have hoped for. We want to buy everything in cash and not get into any debt. This is very important to us and now we this is a near possibility!

But I miss my husband very very much! We have not been away from each other for a whole day since we first started courting in January 2011! And now he is gone for a minimum of two whole long dreadful weeks. This is not very easy for me. Actually that doesn't even sound accurate to what I am feeling. If you want me to get real honest I ache for him. I miss his warmth at night and his body up against mine when we sleep. I miss his hugs and his man voice. I miss having him here to talk to. I miss making food for him or cleaning for him. I feel like I am in mourning over him! It is very hard not to cry at any moment in the day. I yearn for him so deeply it hurts me so much. When we skype or talk on the phone I can't stop crying. This is very difficult for me and this is only the end of day 3. Each day seems to get slightly easier but it is still incredibly painful. All this may sound silly, especially to those I know whose husbands have been or will be gone for much much longer. Kudos to you all! I seriously have no idea how you not only do it but seem to be fine doing so! Eventually with what has been prophesied over Chris it is very possible that I might have to face an even longer time away from him or even losing him completely and while I ultimately want the Lord's will I pray that it won't be so.

There is a very good thing coming from this already that I realized almost immediately. At first i was almost reprimanding myself for being so attached to Chris but then the Lord showed me his purpose for my pain. he reminded me of when the Pharisees were asking Jesus why his disciples do not fast. And he replied saying why would they fast why I am with them. But there would be a day when he would leave and they would fast waiting for his return. And then in Romans 8 when it says that the whole creation groans and suffers pains in waiting for Jesus. I am feeling this intense groaning in my bones for my husband but it is for the purpose of feeling that pain for Jesus. I feel such a loss without Chris. My favorite part of the day is when he comes home and with him being gone I feel like my day is almost pointless. I am still serving him and honoring him by keeping our home ready for his return and taking care of his daughter but it just doesn't feel the same without him here. This lack is absolutely miniscule compared to our lack without Christ. And what I am feeling is so completely overwhelming I cannot imagine our true lack that we are suffering currently while we wait for Christ's return. I am so excited for that day just like I am excited for when Chris and I will be reunited. But our reunion with Christ will be so much greater!

The whole picture of Christ leaving Earth by dying on the cross and then his ascension into heaven and then his eventual return just makes so much more sense to me now. The Lord is slowly revealing more and more to me through each emotion I am having. While it hurts so bad it is amazing to see and know the Lord even more because as much as I love Chris, I am not living for him. I am living for Christ. I am suffering for Christ. I am groaning and suffering pains for Christ. My soul is anxiously waiting for the return of my bridegroom! This is so intense!!! I wish there were better words to describe it although it probably wouldn't make much difference since it is totally the Lord giving me this revelation. Anyways...

Chew, Chew, Chew!

I am almost certain that my daughter is teething! She has been showing signs for about a month now, but these last 2 weeks and then especially these last couple of days have been a bit more intense. Yesterday she was very cranky and at one point couldn't be calmed which is very unlike her. And touching her gums made it worse. Today I can feel a hard bump right where I think the first tooth is coming in and her gums feel different. Poor baby, I was hoping she would be one of the babies that teething doesn't really affect them. It is also hard on me because Chris and I don't want to give her any medicine. We want her to learn to deal with pain and not try to run from it. So I am giving her fingers and toys to chew chew chew! My knuckles have started getting sore from all the chewing! She seemed better today in her mood but I still am hoping that tooth will just come through already. Then we will have another new experience I am sure with her biting me while nursing. One day at a time!

Teething has made her cues to potty and nurse still a little hard to read lately. So for pottying we decided to start taking her every 45 minutes unless she does cue. And it has worked amazingly! Today she was in the same diaper all day long until I was on the phone with Chris and then she wet another one when we were serving at our old church in the baby class ( I couldn't leave to potty her so unfortunately she had to just use her diaper)

Still rolling over!

Last weekend was my best friend's wedding! She was absolutely beautiful and so was the wedding. I was her Matron of honor which was a huge honor for me! But it was another new experience for me. The day of the wedding Chris was so awesome and took care of Sammy all day! But he doesn't have boobs...in case you didn't know lol...so I had to nurse her every once and a while and it was never good timing of course. So she would get quick mini feeds here and there. Although she didn't seem to mind so much since she was having so much fun with dad and all the people she saw. But by the reception my boobs sure did mind! They were so full and hard and rushed to get my food right after the bride and groom so I could get some sweet release! It was hard splitting my attention between my friend and my daughter. Thankfully she also had her sister as her other maid of honor so I wasn't responsible for everything! I did make some pretty cute head bands that I learned how to do from a website linked from pinterest. I will have to attach pictures later!

Playing with Daddy!

So now I am trying to stay busy so that I don't cry all day long. Hopefully I will get in some sewing projects tomorrow! And then next week Sammy and I are going to Kid's camp through our old church. That should really help keep my mind a little distracted! It will also be my first trip of any kind ECing Sammy. But I think it will go fine since I won't actually be a counselor. I am very excited...I think I was born to live permanently at camp! Its probably one of my favorite places in the world that I have been to! And not specifically where I am going, just camp in general! So much fun! So I will try to take lots of pics and tell you how our trip goes with Ecing and just having a baby there period!

Oh and after that there is a possibility that I will be moving down to L.A. with my husband. Everything is all up in the air and there are so many unknowns but at the very least after the next 2 weeks we should be able to afford for me to go wherever her gets called to go to which makes me very happy! We might become a little gypsy family! We are even thinking about getting a mobile home if he is going to have to travel a lot! so we shall see!



Congratulations to you if you have kept reading all the way until the end! I just have one last thing to say. I wanted to offer to answer any questions anyone has about anything we do in regards to our parenting style if that makes sense. Or something you want to hear me talk about like co-sleeping, vaccines, babywearing...anything. I could even give links to websites i have researched or whatever you want. Just a thought. Goodnight! 

Please dont Deify me!

**So I want to preface this post by saying I genuinely don't want to sound 

 like I secretly want your praises by saying that I don't want them. 

Also I am not saying that everyone should do exactly everything that I do or the way I do it.

 I am saying to figure out what really is best for you and your family and do it.

Many have said many great things to me recently about what I am doing with Samantha, and while I appreciate the encouragement I want to also make clear that I don't want to appear as though I have everything figured out and I am somehow a supermom. Our pastor and good friend Brion recently just said that when people see you doing something "extraordinary" they will deify you in order to justify themselves for not doing what you are doing. People will say or think things like, "Well your baby is just extra sweet." or "I couldn't do that because I have this kind of child or these things to do or these problems with my husband". And while I honestly don't think that everyone is doing this I do want to confront those who  might be and tell you that what I am doing is completely possible for you to do... its even pretty easy once you can get over your fleshly self.

While I have always wanted to be a mom I didn't come to do what I do naturally. The Lord has been showing so many truths to me for the past few years, biblical truths and practical. Once I got one revelation I wanted more. I want to know what is true and right and best for my family, AND I wont make excuses to not do what is best. I realized during my first trimester when I was exhausted and I just want to sleep all day that I would rather die young and exhausted having poured my life out for the Lord, my husband, and my children than to die old, complacent, boring and with no good fruit of my labors. So I CHOSE to pursue truth and then follow it. I researched and still do about tons of things. Food, drugs, vaccines, EC, birth, pregnancy, child training, marriage, etc. Once I learn about something I try to apply it. It isn't always an automatic switch but I purpose myself to change.

I am no different than anyone else. God didn't give me extra grace to do these things. At least none that I didn't ask for. I made purposeful decisions to figure out what was and is good for my family and then I followed through. My point in this post is to tell everyone that you can do and have what I have. Work on your character so that you aren't lazy and complacent and do it! If you want to potty train your baby, awesome do it. Research it. Learn about it. Ask questions. If you want an amazing birth, do it! You want an awesome marriage read the word and obey it! You want to know how to parent, read the word and obey it! And watch people who have great kids! Learn from them. Ask them questions!!!

I am sinful! So sinful! I am lazy and apathetic. I was not born with a propensity to go out of my way to learn things. If I followed my flesh I would have an average American life, marriage, family. Probably even worse. The point of this blog is to be an information source to someone who is searching, like other blogs were to me. Not to be the entertainment for people who will read this and do nothing.Therefore, please do not deify me. Please please please do not say that I am different and somehow better than you because of what I do. I need the same amount of Jesus' blood to cover my sins as you do.