What a difficult day...

Wow, so yesterday was a very hard day to say the least.

Nothing new happened from what I said yesterday but I just had a really hard time controlling my heart and having faith. I thought I was fine because I was functioning but anything the girls did that annoyed me in the slightest would make me snap. I was very short tempered with them and was not calm and soft spoken. Instead I became a mom I never want my girls to have. Almost every word I spoke to them was rude and sharp. And nothing they did could make it better. My poor S girl got the brunt of it since she is older. Everytime she repeated herself (which 2 year olds do often) would frustrate me so bad I would yell "Yes its a kitty cat! Stop saying it!!" I obviously was not responding well.

Then throw in my emotions that would take over me like a tidal wave. All of a sudden I would be sobbing as if my husband had died. And if either of them did something when that was going on...ugh I hope I never have to watch that replay. And the worst thing is as I was yelling or giving an awful face I knew I was hurting them and I didn't want to be but I just could not stop myself. (Or I could but I was choosing not to :(  )

I eventually went to my room, laid on the bed and sobbed to God begging for help. I was angry at the situation but it went further than that. It is something the Lord has been working on in me for months or maybe even years now. I need to depend on the Lord for everything. It is a lot easier to seem like you depend on God when you are surrounded by other believers. Take that away.. then you can still kind of fake it when you have a very strong mature husband...so take that away. And you are left all alone all day long with two kiddos under 3. And slowly it eats at you...or me in this case.

I was desperate but I have been so distant from the Lord for so long I couldn't even remember what to do. I mean I knew what to do but I didn't know how to do it. Like how do I surrender. Its not like I can actually lay down my physical weapons and hold up a white flag.

So after I cried all my tears and felt empty but somewhat peaceful I voxed my husband to let him know what was going on. Later that evening we got to talk about it and wow I am so thankful that the Lord has been so gracious to be me to bless me with this man. So after a really great healing conversation where he called me out and read scripture and encouraged me. I rally felt like things were starting to make sense and that this really is going to turn out okay.

I am really embarrassed by my behavior yesterday. And since no one was there besides my girls I could just act like it never happened and leave it at that. Its not like anyone reading this would know. To most of my friends I am this great example of what a Godly mother and wife should. And this terrifies me! I know I am doing well if you compare me to non-christian moms and even a lot of christian ones. But compared to Jesus I am lightyears away from good.

A couple of weeks ago, during another session of being tested and repenting of my sin the Lord brought me to a blog of a lady I look up to. And she happened to have posted about a realy hard time in her life when she was just downright nasty and not in a good spot in her life or walk with Jesus. And it amazed me that someone who I thought had it all together and was just the perfect picture of the mom and wife and lover of Christ that I aspire to be, could be so awful to her children and husband and so disobedient to God. She told her story of the bad and of her repentance and the fruit she bore from the whole thing. It made me weep because while I wasn't quite as down as she was at the time it was all about her selfishness and that is exactly what I was doing. It cut deep but was so healing at the same time to read her story. And God totally used it to bring me to repentance.

I say all of that because I don't want others who look up to me to think that I have it all together. That I am doing so well and that I am the perfect picture of a mother and wife and lover of Christ. Because haha I so a not. So instead of leaving my story where I left off from yesterday I want to share with whoever is reading this...even if it is just my mom ;)... that I am not perfect. I am so far from it!!!
And I hope and pray that when you ready this you realize that the hard times you are having and the bad attitude you are working to change is the same thing I am going through right now. Maybe the details are different, but I too and a work in progress.

So mama, whoever you are, Jesus loves you. He died for you even when you were still a sinner and were His enemy. He would have died for even if it had been only you. Your sin is now as far as the East is from the West. If you can't find much else to be thankful for, think on this. (I am speaking to myself and crying as I am typing this) There is nothing more good than God. Here is the scripture my husband shared with me last night. I know it takes more than a second to read but please take the time to meditate on it. Even open up your word and read more :)

Philippians 4:4-14

⁴ Rejoice in the Lord alway: and again I say, Rejoice.

⁵ Let your moderation be known unto all men. The Lord is at hand.

⁶ Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God.

⁷ And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

⁸ Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.

⁹ Those things, which ye have both learned, and received, and heard, and seen in me, do: and the God of peace shall be with you.

¹⁰ But I rejoiced in the Lord greatly, that now at the last your care of me hath flourished again; wherein ye were also careful, but ye lacked opportunity.

¹¹ Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content.

¹² I know both how to be abased, and I know how to abound: every where and in all things I am instructed both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need.

¹³ I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.

¹⁴ Notwithstanding ye have well done, that ye did communicate with my affliction.